Selected Publications
The Belladonna Comedy:
Daily Itinerary of Someone Who Successfully Reapplies Sunscreen the Recommended Number of Times (top 5 most read at Belladonna in August 2026)
Daily Itinerary of a “Total Bitch” (top 5 most read at Belladonna in March 2026)
New Alternatives to “Minnesota Nice” (top 5 most read at Belladonna in January 2026)
If You’re Not Cold Plunging Nothing Else You’re Doing For Your Health Matters
We Need a Big Strong Man to Move This Reasonably Sized Object (Editor favorite in Nov. 2025, top 10 most read at Belladonna in 2025)
Where Are They Now? Your Eighth Grade Gifted and Talented Class
Points In Case:
Circles of Hell Revised for Badly Behaved Prospective Employers
Your State’s Simple, Straightforward, and Easy-to-Understand Unemployment Benefits Questionnaire
Seven Things That Seem Spooky But Are Completely Normal Parts of Staying in a Cabin in Fall
It’s Me, Winter, and I Can Hear All You Assholes Talking About How Much You Fucking Love Fall
Slackjaw Comedy:
We’re The Food Scraps In Your Freezer And We Can’t Wait For You To Make Stock With Us!
Missed Connections: Traditional Life Milestones Seeking a Millennial
The Millennial, The Banker, and The Impossible Quest for Home Ownership: An Infuriating Fairy Tale
We’re Hiring You To Fix Our Communications But We Will Not Be Communicating About Our Communication
A Guidance Counselor Warns a High-School Student Against the Fate of Going to Trade School in 1998
Chortle:
Cult of Friday
A Substack Newsletter
Fueled by curiosity, anxiety, and hope that you’ll like me even though no worries if not! Here, you’ll find (very) short and (hopefully) funny essays twice a month-ish with observations of adulthood and surviving late-stage capitalism with a MFA in clown.
Testimonials
“Humorist Sarah Gardner’s newsletter always makes me laugh, but oh my god, this issue about Brazilian waxes? I died.”
“[Sarah] makes me laugh and sigh at the same time.”
“You must be joking.”
Contact
Ninety percent of Sarah’s personality is liking cheese. The other ten percent would love to hear from you.
